I'm more than aware that moving over here for the summer was for the best, and it's actually been pretty fun, despite the insane amount of time I've spent working.
It's not easy working the hours I do, and I feel pretty tired a lot, but at least I'm earning money and not fucking things up for myself.
Found a better job over here, staying in a fucking big house and got my room all nice, and I made a good move leaving the Dunollie, in my opinion.
But I feel like I've had enough. I think of everyone in Thurso and I hear myself say 'I'm done, I can't do this anymore'.
I get on well with plenty people over here, but nobody I can really call a good friend. Not like in Thurso. I have so many good friends there, and I feel like I need them. I feel lonely here, even though I class Skye as 'home'. It's so special to me, but I don't have anybody here, not really. I have family and a few friends, yeah. But I need my people back in Thurso.
Just under 7 weeks before I get back to Thurso. I wanna start college again, and not fuck it up this time. I want to get over my depression. I want to start again.
I can't wai to get my life back on track.

I have all these thoughts swimming round my head, but I don't know how to put them into words.

I guess I just feel so.. weird. Almost numb. I can't cry, but I feel the shittiest I have in a while. Dunno why, had a pretty good day. Just for the past hour I've been like this. Nothing really triggers it anymore.

I'm getting really weirded out by these mood swings.. I'm finding myself, a lot more often, in a really hyper, almost insanely happy, bouncing off the walls mood. Well, it's weird, because inside, I feel alright yeah, you could say good. Not bad anyway. But it seems to show itself externally way more crazy. And I get the impression it's driving everyone nuts. I'm pretty sure I've driven a few people away with it.
So there's the hyper happy moods, then these. The kind of mood where you just sit and try to be happy, but you can't think, you just stare into space, and you can't see any point. It scares me when I ask myself that question. "What's the point? Where is my life going?"
But the strange thing is, I do not in any way feel suicidal.

I'm so confused, just need to wait for it to pass I suppose, until next time.

When is the right time to tell them.
And what do you even say?!

"We like eachother, and I'm hoping we can maybe start something special, so I guess I should let you know I suffer from depression and am trying to get over my self harming habits, so when we have sex you'll see all the ugly scars that are usually hidden by clothes. How do you feel about that?"
FUCK THAT.

Sure fire way to scare everyone away.

It amazes me how ignorant and narrow minded people are, but then again, who wants to be stuck with a 'psycho bitch'? And why go for the girl who's destroyed her once beautiful body with ugly red scars, when you can have that prettier, healthier in the mind girl who will look better and probably not take so much effort to look after.

You know, it would seriously make a change, to find someone who is interested in loving me and making me happy, not someone who wants to have sex with me because I'm enigmatic and mysterious, because I'm that psycho chick who's likely to try the kinkiest shit ever. And who's not right in the head, so she won't be bothered by a load of mindless sex.
Society already single her out so why would it bother her being labelled as a whore?

I've never felt like I needed someone so much.
But at the same time, do I ever want to fall in love again? After getting my heart ripped out and stamped on? After being used the whole time? After looking and feeling like the biggest idiot ever. After being the last to notice what was actually going on. After giving my heart and soul to someone who didn't even want it, it was just convenient for him.

He could have killed me.

Is there anyone out there who wouldn't lie to me or cheat on me, who would treat me like a princess and love me the same way back. Make me laugh, give me cuddles when I feel like shit, and think I'm fucking awesome the way I am?
I'm starting to doubt it.

Seal your lips with the cold stitch of a secret.

Not this again, please. Please work. Please don't let me down. Please let this be worth it.
Please treat me the way I should be treated, help.
I need help to work again, should I take this risk?
Could you bring me down again.?
Please don't, please help.

I was happy in my harbour when you cut me loose,
Floating on an ocean and confused.
Winds are whipping waves up like skyscrapers,
And the harder they hit me, the less I seem to bruise.

And when I find the controls,
I'll go where I like, I'll know where I want to be,
But maybe for now, I'll stay right here,
On a silent sea.

Mi cenicero, mi cenicero, mi corazón de cenicero.

I tore the muscle from your chest,
And used it to stub out cigarettes.
I listened to your screams of pleasure,
Now watch the bedsheets turn blood red.

Mi cenicero, mi cenicero, mi corazón de cenicero.
Mi cenicero, mi cenicero, mi corazón de cenicero.